India Indeed a Patriarchal Society! A Look at Multi-Generational Families, a Fast-Fading Reality...

A modern multi-generational Indian middle class family today - a portrait of a dear friend's family

This article is dedicated in honor of my father's birth centennial which is today- he passed away in January 1997. Yes, today is my father's birthday as he was born on September 28, 1908. Now he was a true patriarch not only of his many sons and daughter and grandchildren, but also with respect to his siblings and their clans who considered him the de facto head. Both, he and mother were unfailingly there for EVERYONE till the very end of their lives. That is a true testimony to the real value of an extended family life!

Recently there have been reports in the press that there is an increasing trend in the US for older parents to move into the homes of their adult children. According to the Census Bureau, the number of parents living with adult children who are heads of households has grown 67 percent to 3.6 million. This recent trend relating to the increasing number of inter generational households has led to a lot of discussion about the changing American social norms...

I found this aspect especially interesting in juxtaposition to my Indian culture. In the Indian culture, multi generational or joint family or extended family homes, however you may term them, are generally a given. In fact, one of the social aspects which made me really uncomfortable and took a while for me to understand and even longer to accept in the US, is the American lifestyle where it is expected that the older parents already living independent lives, will eventually move into an old-age home or what is termed as "assisted living". Simply speaking, old parents here are generally expected to fend for themselves, of course, under the overall caring supervision of their loved ones. I recall how in my earlier months after arrival in US, I wrote letters to my friends back home in Delhi as to how it bothered me to think of older parents left to live the remainder of their lives isolated from the family, dependent on their loved ones visits to brighten their days. It still bothers me even more now, albeit from a selfish viewpoint as a single person.

In contrast, in the Indian sub-continent, multi-generational homes are the norm. A son role in assuming complete responsibility, financial and otherwise, in terms of taking care of his old parents is considered a critical aspect of the Indian subcontinent's socio-religious mores. A typical Indian family consists of the grandparents, the parents and the grandkids. Observe an immigrant Indian family in the US, you will almost always notice grandparents in the picture.


My parents with their grandson. Grandparents living with the family play an important role in imparting sense of family, values, religious beliefs and principles. It is a great pity that my son born in US was not able to visit them much...

In our Indian families, grandparents rule in terms of being given complete respect and often the power to make family decisions. However interestingly, this expectation of living with the parents is limited to the sons only. It is clearly a patriarchal system that is still deeply entrenched in India. Once the daughter marries, it is expected that her husband's family will be her first priority in every respect and her own parents and siblings become secondary. Further, she is expected to take care of her in-laws along with her husband and children. Hence this is the prime reason, sons continue to carry a high premium in India. Earlier before the property laws in India changed leading to an equal division of the family property between sons and daughters, only the sons were heirs whereas the dowry given to the daughter was considered her share and claim to the family's wealth. Of course, Indian society has transformed considerably since independence with the passage of the Hindu Succession Act(1956) and the Dowry Prohibition Act(1965)and other related legislation to ensure gender equality, but taking care of one's parents' right till the end of their lives continues to be an intrinsic part of the Indian culture and nothing could be considered socially more abhorrent than a son not taking care of his old parents...


Another picture of an Indian family, my grandmother, the family matriarch, the son and daughter-in-law, the grandkids and the my mother who was just visiting as her real home was with her husband and his family.


Here mother is in her own home with her mother-in-law, a very strong personality, but mother with her serene persona soon won over the respect and love of the entire Bhandari clan that was reputedly very rambunctious with fiery temperaments. Having come from home where her own family was very low-key, it is to her credit how well she blended without losing her own genteel individuality. Having gone through a lot herself, she by temperament and experience became the gentlest and most understanding mother-in-law herself and a true feminist in her own right.

In the traditional Indian home, it was assumed that the son upon marrying would bring his bride to live in his parents' home in the joint family set-up. In fact, when the parents wanted to arrange a match for their son, one of the prime qualities they sought in their future daughter-in-law was her ability to adjust "into our family" hence the usage of terms like "sweet temperament" and "homely" as in adjustability not plain looks as is the interesting interpretation here, were ubiquitous in describing the merits of a "good girl". Ideally, the new bride was supposed to be treated like a new daughter in her new home, but in reality, it was often not so. Along with the benefits of loving familial bonds, were the more serious problems of mother-in-law and other extended family interference due to reluctance to let go of the son to the detriment of his wife's interests and needs.


And a doting grandmother with her newborn grandson. Grandparents are respected for their wisdom borne of years.

Bollywood movies are replete with the themes of a mother-in-law's ill-treatment of the daughter-in-law who was often relegated to taking care of the household drudgery and doing chores for the entire families. This exaggerated depiction was based on reality, often harsher. It was actually no picnic also for the poor husband caught in the middle of these family dramas . If he agreed with his wife, he was immediately made to feel guilty by his parents as to how much they had sacrificed for the son (which is actually very true as the parents went to great lengths for their son's education and financial success as a son was considered a sort of life insurance for their old age) and if he sided with his parents, the wife accused him of being tied to his mother's apron strings... But, generally, due to her financial dependence as a mother of her growing family, the wife remained trapped in the dysfunctional family dynamics. Seriously, the Indian in-law battles are legendary!


I just can't resist sharing this commercial for a TV serial in India depicting a fictitious middle class family in a small town in Western India. Unfortunately, the commentary is in Hindi but the visuals tell you the story. It is pleasant and humorous satire on a joint family's dynamics living under the same roof which despite the daily life dramas are still based firmly in love and bonds are still strong... Remember this shows small town India where the traditions still remain strong whereas the cosmopolitan environment is very different- just like anywhere else in the world.

Thankfully with the empowerment of women back home through education and other supportive legislation as mandated by the Indian Constitution which right from its inception gave women equal rights with men leading to financial independence for women, the parents of the husbands still live home with their sons, but the daughters-in-law have rightfully a lot of say in the households. On a facetious, yet honest note, many young professional women who have grown-up seeing and/or hearing about the mother-in-law ill-treatment of their female relatives do not want to deal with an otherwise good catch if his mother is still alive or unless he vows to establish boundaries by setting up an independent home. Wiser folks back home, cognizant of the danger of personality clashes and their own innate need for independence and dignity, are increasingly constructing their homes such that they are self-contained units within the family property wherein the in-laws have their own privacy and yet they are within very close proximity to the son's family.


Ceremonial festivities and rites accord a major role to grandparents who are considered the head of the household spiritually and elders' heart-felt blessings and guidance are critical for youngsters' happiness and success. Here my niece's fiance, both of whom are doctors, receiving blessings from my mom at a ceremony formalizing mutual acceptance of an arranged match. Mother's approval was considered invaluable in this process. The head is covered by the young man as is the norm during the prayers and the match is sealed by sharing sweets blessed at the Hindu ceremony.

I don't want to give the impression that all in-laws were ogres because that could not be further from the truth. For instance, my mother had such a close bond with my sister-in-law that even when she and my brother divorced, my sister-in-law remained close to my mother till the end of mother's life. Such relationships back home, are unfortunately are not as common as they should be. In a well functioning multi-generational setup, the kids in the family grow up with close ties to their grandparents who often play a very active role in parenting when their son and his wife both have careers. I have fond memories of how my older brother lived upstairs in his own unit and had his own domestic help to take care of his girls, but mother and father were always downstairs keeping an eye on things. After school, my nieces always bounded home first to meet their grandparents before heading upstairs to their own home. Both my brother and sister-in-law felt very secure with this arrangements and children grew-up with strong ties to their doting grandparents. This was not however unique to my family, rather it is a common sight to see grandparents today taking their grand kids to school and taking care of many of their needs. In the case of more than one son, the parents normally live with the eldest son or split their time between different sons. A harmonious inter-generational set up certainly leads to lot of emotional and financial support all around along with lessons in caring and sharing of responsibilities

My father in his late eighties, basking in Delhi's winter sun, with my nephew, my brother's baby son.

It is ironic that while the adult children in US are bringing their parents home to live with them, assisted living for senior citizens is gradually gaining acceptance in India due to a number of reasons, essentially the changing social landscape which includes the career pressures of the earning couple, aspirations of the young couples to move farther and seek newer opportunities, the new wave of materialism that has now swept India, a reaction to the past abuses of the joint-family system and the loneliness and the inability of the elderly citizens to take care of themselves in their own homes where many choose to live and thereby are subjected to neglect... India seems to be moving in the other direction and I fervently hope that it does not do so at the expense of what was the best in our culture which is strong family ties...