The Bird Has Certainly Flown the Coop!!!!!

I have been an empty-nester for almost two years now and my son is a sophomore in college only a couple of hours away at UVA. However each time he comes home to visit, I go through a hard time bidding him good-bye.

They grow so fast!

Having come from a culture where children live home with their parents well into their adulthood and often even after they marry, assuming there are no financial and space constraints, it is very hard for me to accept that my son who is a first generation American has essentially flown the coop once he left for college. The difference between the teenagers growing up in India and the teenagers here in US in terms of independence is quite startling. The kids back home are rather over-protected and sheltered whereas here the young men and women are are exactly that-young adults at eighteen -confident and able to live on their own even if their parents are in the same town.

Sigh! It seems only yesterday that he was such a baby -where have all the years gone!

The kids here are well adept at holding jobs and working in the outside world at a young age whereas one of the major cultural differences between the American setup and the Indian culture is that Indian parents assume full financial responsibility for their children till they are able to establish their own careers. In total contrast in the US, a grown man or woman here living with his parents without an ostensibly valid reason would be generally considered a "loser" or a social misfit. Nothing could be further from the truth back home though I have to say things are changing there too...

Reaching the age of eighteen is no hallmark of adulthood in my native India as nothing really changes and children continue to live with their parents. If the parents are financially secure, there is no pressure on the children to find summer jobs or part-time jobs etc. Actually unless they are truly in dire straits, the Indian parents even if somewhat financially strapped would find it unthinkable to expect their high school children find jobs or employment. They would rather deprive themselves instead. What the parents really want their children to do is to focus on their academics, enjoy their childhood and take advantage of the parental support to prepare themselves for good careers. In other words, parental expectations are limited to demanding excellence in academics and respecting the family traditions and rules. The family home is the home of the offspring and the parental influence continues well into their adult lives. As I explained in my earlier article, multi-generational families are the norm in India's culture though the nuclear families of husband -wife and kids are increasingly becoming more common.




Our basset hound who considers my son the leader of the pack, takes his leaving for college even harder than I do.

I recall growing up with my six brothers in our family home, even though the house was bursting at the seams with so many of us. The only time, I recall my older brothers leaving home was when they went to college or found jobs out of town, but they always came back. One of my brothers lived with my parents in our family home though in an independent unit within the house till he moved out to accommodate his expanding family needs. I lived with my parents till I got married and arrived here.


Those were wonderful years in Delhi when I was a single high school teacher coming home after school to home-cooked meals and afternoon naps. I continued to follow the family rules without feeling stifled or missing privacy. Rather the bonds within the family were very strong. Here I am being greeted by my nephew and niece living in my parents' home in New Delhi.


Here we are a bunch of school teachers in New Delhi having fun, single and living with our parents and that was the norm.

Today it is interesting to watch the interplay of the two almost diametrically opposed cultures in the Indian-American children like my son born and brought up here. He is for all intents and purposes an all-American kid as in having his own space and privacy in my home but he is still not allowed to flout the rules and traditions that I have maintained from back home in India. It is not easy- I grant you that and it is a constant struggle to maintain that fine balance because kids here are very self-assured and know how to fend and more importantly think for themselves. So one has to tread carefully to blend the two value sets as seamlessly as possibly so as not put the child in a position of choosing one or the other because that is not healthy either and can lead to emotional issues stemming from lack of roots in either world...

Fortunately the Indian-American parents like me are trying to go with the flow. Every now and then I will get mad at my free-talking son, but then force myself to remember that kids here are taught to freely express their opinions and that that is not "talking back" as we were programmed to think in our days... Many of my Indian-American friends young daughters who are professionals are living in the same city but in their own places. The parents have made peace. The trick is to remember that American culture is individualistic and teaches the children to be extremely independent and this has to be balanced with the Indian cultural norms of togetherness which on the other hand can be quite smothering. Frankly, I think our Indian-American kids are actually getting the best of both worlds - I truly believe that and now I just need to- as they say here - get with the program, get a life and let go!

Anyway enough of reminiscing and philosophizing, it is time to head to Candid Carrie Friday Foto Fiesta and check what's happening there... Follow me!