Friday, May 30, 2008

India Myth vs Reality- An Indian Woman's Perspective - Part I of Many More to Come...


Map of Asia

In the more than two decades that I have been in US, I have received myriad queries about my Indian background. However while thrilled at the curiosity, I am also sometimes a bit appalled at how easy it is to stereotype. So, I am going to take advantage of this forum to address a few ubiquitous misconceptions about the Indian cultural norms and mores.

When I initially arrived here, one question that truly perplexed me was whether I was an East Indian. Quite cluelessly, I promptly responded that I was an Asian. At which point, it was pointed out gently by the the few who bravely allowed their curiosity to overcome social protocol regarding such delicate issues, that I did not look Asian. I then realized that by Asian they meant folks from South-East Asia. I am still trying to figure out to this day as to why we folks from the rest of Asia got excluded from this category and got put in the "East Indian" genre.

We Asians come in all shapes, colors and sizes. India is a subcontinent in South Asia along with its neighbors Pakistan, Bangladesh and Afghanistan. East Indian is a western concept probably to distinguish us from the native American who were themselves fatefully misnamed as Indians by the rather enthusiastic Christopher Columbus. At least that is my theory. And East Indies are actually Islands now known as Indonesia, Philipines and Malaysia, originally colonies of the Dutch, Spanish and the British.

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Magic of Intuition

Today I am going to talk about a topic that is not very mainstream but which has always intrigued me. I am referring to Intuition that deep sudden thought, feeling or vision which is referred to differently as psychic, ESP, sixth sense, gut feeling or a hunch. Even Einstein, the towering intellect of all time, said that scientific truth is revealed first through intuition and only later verified by logic.

So what really is Intuition? Intuition in Latin means “in to you”? It the knowing or sensing of truth without any rational or empirical explanation. Every one is born with a sixth sense- Each of us have experienced some form of ESP, some more than others.

My father was one in whom this ability was more pronounced. Let me share some anecdotes.

Many years ago my dad who was known as DP was sitting dejected in a park on a clear sunny day after taking a grueling exam. Even though he had studied for it round the clock, he had no hope of passing it. You see this was the British rule and this exam was designed to make it almost impossible for the Indian natives to compete against the British candidates who were from universities like Cambridge and Oxford. Passing this exam meant you were assigned to the top most echelons of the British bureaucracy. Suddenly, my dad heard a voice say “DP you are first”. Startled, he looked around to see if anyone was playing a cruel joke on him. No one around for miles. So he went back to his brooding. Then again, the same voice- “DP you are first.” At this point my dad not much of an athlete sprinted home for his life and told my grandparents who thought that my dad had finally had the nervous collapse that they had worried about all along. However, guess what? When the results were announced. My dad was first!!! So what was the voice? While my scientist brothers roll their eyes and put it down to co-incidence, I think it was amazing power of the subconscious trying to tell my dad something while his guard was down. While this was a pretty dramatic episode there were other incidents also which made him learn to trust his instincts.

Once while driving on a pretty foggy night after work on a quiet deserted city street in Delhi, something just made him hit his brakes and get out of the car. What he saw made him thank the Almighty! He saw a toddler that had crawled out from nearby construction shanties right near his wheel.

He never talked much about it but I think, his inner voice helped in protecting him from harm on other occasions.

To me these anecdotes proved that we must trust our intuition. We are born with it. We use it as children, but as we grow older and our rational mind develops, we lose touch with the little voice inside us. Remember animals rely on their sixth sense for survival. The Tsunami is only one example.

Once you acknowledge this latent power within you, you don’t really need any special training though there are books which teach structured exercises like this one by Laura Day titled Practical Intuition.



However, intuition cannot be forced; we need to allow it. After loading up the mind with information about an issue, we have to give our intuition time to work and then become open to the answer. It is then that we can likely experience an “Aha” moment, a moment of instant awareness or Eureka, when the answer sprouts from “out of the blue.” Intuition can also help one be more sensitive to others moods and also protect one - IF one pays heed. At least,twice in my life (I am after all my father's daughter), I have experienced the most powerful sense of foreboding like a black cloud out of nowhere and both times like a skeptic, I ignored it only to suffer the most painful experiences in my life.

So listen to that inner voice...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

My Family in the Yesteryears


Hello All:
After much encouragement from some close friends who believe that I have led an interestng life and have a story to tell, but much trepidation at my own end due to the public nature of this forum and my own propensity for total candour, I am starting an online journal with the intent of converting it into book material one day. The initial segments are focused on my background against the backdrop of which I shall be sharing my reflections here... So enjoy! I would love to know your thoughts and reactions as I believe constructive dialogues are almost always productive. So here goes...

I am originally from India and came to United States in my twenties. It has been a long journey from New Delhi to Washington DC-A saga of continuous lessons and self revelations some of which I will share with you today while hopefully dispelling some common myths about my culture.

I was born on September 25 to DP and Savitri Bhandari in New Delhi. Five brothers preceded me and Kalyan my youngest brother followed three years later. As the much awaited only daughter, I was a tad spoilt. Ok, I have to admit I was nicknamed princess!! My doting father named me Raksha which in Hindi means to protect or defend. Perhaps he was sending a message to my brothers who have always been there for me.

My father was educated at Cambridge University, England. A tall and formidable figure both at home and a court of law, he was actually a compassionate man underneath his rather forbidding exterior. He had dedicated almost half his law practice to pro bono work. Picture shows dad in England after getting his degree from Cambridge.

My mother was a petite, well educated and genteel woman who stayed home to raise her rambunctious family. Her hands were definitely full. Her serene persona belied a toughness which helped all of us through many a personal storm. She was a rock. In her typical stoic manner, she quietly fought a heroic battle with cancer with the same determination with which she kept us all on track. My greatest sorrow is that my mom will never be able to visit me and see for herself how well her daughter imbibed her mother’s lessons in terms of building her life for herself. "Mama" as we called her - passed away in August 2004.

This picture shows mom as a mother of three kids, my oldest brothers who were born in what is now Pakistan. We four youngest were born in Delhi in free India.

Glorious Childhood Years...

Vivid memories of the early years fill one’s mind. Robust dinner discussions ranged from current politics, books, to juicy family gossip. We were always enthralled with stories of India’s freedom in 1947. Both my parents grew up in the British era and barely escaped with their lives during India’s violent partition into Pakistan. An avid lover of British literature, I developed a vivid imagination and a passion for creative writing that was actively encouraged and my childish poetry was often inflicted on unsuspecting dinner guests by my proud dad.

However, in a male dominated household, I used to yearn for a sister and often got upset with my mom because she wouldn’t give me one. Male bonding was certainly very real in my home, but that did not deter me. I became a regular tomboy and tried to be on par with my older brothers in everything often to my brothers’ dismay. In one episode, when I was only nine, a scrawny child, I insisted on tagging along on a hiking trip with my athletic brothers. About one fourth or in truth one eighth of the way, I just sat down and howled with exhaustion insisting that I be carried piggy back. My seething brothers had no choice. Of course after that they mastered the skill of surreptiously slipping away without their pesky kid sister.But don’t sympathize too fast- they paid me back in cricket, not just a sport but a passion in India. Amazingly, my brothers let me be a part of their team willingly which should have made me suspicious right there –they had an agenda! They convinced me into fielding all day telling me that I would get two turns to bat before I could be declared out if I fielded for them. Now batting is a coveted position so I bought into it. Silly me - when my turn to bat came, they remorselessly spin bowled me out in two balls- two batting turns ousted in two balls after I had fielded in the scorching Indian heat for almost two hours!!! Touche they were even!

Later on as we grew up we became friends and suddenly I was the most popular girl in the neighborhood –why because I had six handsome brothers and my brothers also wanted me to take me with them everywhere because now I could introduce them to my friends. Oh how things change…

On a more serious note, my parents were of the old school and strict disciplinarians who apart from strictly inculcating core moral values were also much ahead of their times in India. Having high standards, they, especially my mom expected no less of me. I think mother secretly missed not pursuing her own intellectual ambitions and she was a true intellectual! At a time when most Indian mothers would start grooming their daughters for marriage, my mom would stay up with me while I burned the midnight oil for my exams. She impressed upon me continually that education and a career were equally important for me as a woman and she maintained that till the end of her life.

My mother was way ahead of her times and why wouldn't she be.In her own youth when women barely finished high school and generally got married in their teens, mama pushed my maternal grandfather to send her to Prince of Wales College, Jammu, an all-male college, to get a degree in economics. That was not an era of women colleges in India, barring a handful. My grandfather, a doctor, gave in to her ardent desire much against his own traditional thinking. So not only did mother get her wish, but she graduated top of her class and wanted to go on to medical school like her dad at which point he put his foot down and got down to the serious business of finding her a match who turned out to be my dad... And this was in literally the early 20th century like somewhere in 1908 in British dominated India!!!!

"To Sir With Love" With a Twist!

www.modernschool.net/ Modern High School

After achieving two Bachelors with Honors in History and Education and a Masters in History, I started my career as a High School teacher of History at a private school in Delhi in the early 80s disappointing my father a bit that I had not gone on to law school to take over his practice or sat for the prestigous civil service exam that was the ultimate as career in India. Yet he was also proud of me as I was the youngest teacher who got a job in this prestigious school-the best in the country.

My years at Modern High School were challenging, exhilarating and immensely gratifying. I still recall the first day when I stood before a class of arrogant high schoolers, a fresh young idealistic teacher straight out of university armed with a detailed lesson plan and ready to roll. Not so! Let’s just say my orientation was somewhat like the movie “To Sir with Love” except these were rich self-willed kids and many of them were plain brats. It was a battle of wits but I was equally bullheaded. Doggedly with hard work and humor, I ultimately won their affection and respect building life long connections with many. I have reconnected with many of them this month and marveled with great pride and affection at how grounded and successful these young men and women have turned out to be, but that is a blog for another time...

My years as a high school teacher were the most fulfilling years of my life. In the picture below I am with my students and co-worker as a young teacher:
In the first one I am the one in a white sari the traditional Indian woman's attire.



Here in the second one am not so elegant but rather dishevelled and worn out after a PAINFULLY long hike in the hills in Northeast India with students and co-worker -perhaps a story for another time...

A Marriage Certainly Not Made in Heaven But Still was Meant to Be

At this fulfilling juncture of the happiest and carefree years of my life as a high school teacher with a great social circle, my parents introduced me in early 86, to what seemed a very eligible match,a professional who was visiting home from US. Yes, it was an arranged match and YES I could say NO if I wanted – ANYTIME! But, I did not as I was smitten and we got married within a month in 86. On a snowy January morning in 1987, leaving my sheltered world and an extremely promising career without a backward glance, I landed in DC. I was a young bride not in pursuit of the American dream but chasing her happily-ever after dream.

Alas there was no fairy tale ending -the marriage just did not work. I realized very fast that one could be from the same culture, yet worlds apart...Thousands of miles away from my family and friends, homesick and lost, I have never felt so alone and helpless. In the midst of our problems, I got the most precious gift in my life-my son AK, born December 22, 1988. A stay at home mom, I went back for another degree at the University of Maryland with the target of going to law school one day. I also took up a part time job at the now defunct department store Woodies to deal with pain of isolation from family and friends and the loneliness that is so characteristic of a failed marriage. Additionally parental expectations do play a major role even when we are adults so I had this nagging feeling that I should fulfill my mom and dad’s dream for me to be an attorney. I still have that feeling!

Two years were especially rough when I got the long distance calls every immigrant dreads. My second oldest brother died at 47 unexpectedly due to a misdiagnosed illness. In 1997, I got a call that my father had passed away. Right about that time,I miscarried my second pregnancy. Now I was lost and truly in a fog without much rational perspective but I had also reached my threshold. Suddenly, it was like I had an epiphany, so with the unquestioning support of an amazing circle of friends and family, I decided to take charge of my life, learning that it is OK to walk away, despite cultural indoctrination to the contrary, from a dysfunctional relationship after honest efforts have failed. I took a long long time to reach that decision, but I have never looked back...

It Takes Courage But It Can Be Done!



Finally, in June 98, I took three life changing decisions. I left our marriage, left a long time secure job took on a new better-paying position and moved into a new apartment, my new home for the next two plus years - all three EXTREMELY stressful steps at the same time. As a woman who grew up in a culture where divorce is almost taboo-these were certainly gigantic steps!!! But I discovered an inner-strength which I never knew I had till faced with life's challenges.

My life has is completely transformed now. I am at a good place. AK is 19 and my most precious achievement. He is a tall strapping lad, doing well academically and and will soon be sophomore at the University of VA, Charlotesville- a great school. Am a proud mother -for sure! He has a great relationship with his dad and his dad and I are better at co-parenting as friends, than as spouses.

I have finally arrived home. I am fully adapted. I have learned to let go of the Queen’s English to a great extent albeit reluctantly, and adopted the practical American style of eliminating extra Ls and the Us as convenient. I have been well trained by my son in the subtle nuances of teenage slang and when in doubt learned to say “whatever”. More, importantly, I have finally learned to drive on the wrong side of the road and stopped being intimidated by the Beltway. Less facetiously, I have more goals to accomplish but the enduring lesson I have learned is that success is a journey not a destination and the journey continues.

My family today - My son, AK ready for college and my boy at home, Polo our handsome-we think so -basset hound.